Optimal Health Institute
January 2010 Newsletter
This month’s Lead article:
Happiness is a Matter of Choice
Pat Samples
Note from Sandra: I found this article in an old newsletter (in our early years) and as we have so many additions to our OHI family, I thought it was a perfect choice with which to start the New Year. Hope you agree!
Haven’t we all chanted the “if only” mantra time and again? We tell ourselves that when the current problem is handled or the next dream realized, we’ll finally feel great.
But our contentment is always short – lived. A new set of problems or a new ideal emerges in no time, and we’re off on another happiness safari. The yen for happiness can’t be satisfied externally, say Rick Foster and Greg Hicks, corporate consultants and authors of How We Choose to Be Happy (Perigree, 1999). It’s an inside job, a learned skill we can acquire with practice.
The choices we make day by day, not the new job, partner or home, are what make the difference. In fact, these authors have identified nine choices that they say underlie a consistently high level of happiness.
Neither a scholarly theory nor a Pollyanna promise, the “Nine Choices for Happiness” concept is the outcome of hundreds of interviews that Foster and Hicks conducted with extremely happy people. The two researchers were convinced that happiness was more than genetic predisposition, and they wanted to learn more about the subject from those with experience. They traveled throughout North America and Europe seeking out the happiest people they could find: people who identified themselves as consistently very happy and who were also viewed that way by others. They were out to discover how these ordinary people managed to stay so serene.
What they learned markedly changed their personal lives and also became a model they codified into the wheel of happiness, representing the nine choices of extremely happy people. They have since introduced this model, also called the Heart of Leadership, in public, corporate and medical training programs around the world. They use the model not only to show individuals how to be happier, but also to teach effective leadership and teamwork skills in organizations and to assist medical professionals in improving their effectiveness with patients.
A happiness makeover
As one of those people with a half – empty genetic preset for happiness, I was intrigued by the idea of choosing my way to happiness rather than hoping to acquire it by luck, hard work, Prozac or additions to my life. When the editor of Today’s Health & Wellness suggested I go for a happiness makeover, I couldn’t resist the offer. Unfortunately, she was not sending me to a salon. This was to be, as Foster and Hicks indicate in their book, an inside job. All I had was the book as a guide, about a month to practice and the opportunity for a little coaching from the authors. What I learned may give you some clues about choices you could make to enlarge your happiness.
Foster and Hicks define happiness as “a profound, enduring feeling of contentment, capability and centeredness.” I have long aspired to this idyllic state and have lots of therapy bills, educational credentials and meditation experience to prove it. While my happiness level was higher than normal when I started the makeover, and far higher than in earlier years when my middle initial stood for determined but depressed, I knew that my mood could easily drop a few notches were I to face a fresh run of adversity. Even the pressure of this article’s deadline amid an already busy schedule was accelerating my stress build-up. So a happiness redo seemed a smart move, and I began to study the nine choices on the Wheel of Happiness.
Intention
Extremely happy people intend to be happy. That’s what Foster and Hicks learned in their interviews. But doesn’t everybody?
No, said Rick Foster when I spoke with him. Many people are skeptical, even cynical, about the possibility of happiness. They think happy people are just clueless. In fact, says Foster, “We have a lot of encouragement to be unhappy embedded in our culture.” He points out that our whole economic system is based on repeatedly convincing us we are not happy and selling us solutions.
Therefore, to be happy, we have to make a conscious choice to do so, despite the cynics and advertisers. It’s a matter of intention, the choice positioned at the center of the Wheel of Happiness. This isn’t merely positive thinking. It’s a promise we make to ourselves to base our decisions all day long on what will make us happy.
I first opened How We Choose to Be Happy while I was sick with a high fever, fatigue and body aches –a virus, I thought then, that was later determined to be Lyme disease. To distract myself, I picked up the book and read the chapter on intention. The idea made sense, but my brain in its fevered state couldn’t hold the thought and I slipped off into a nap.
Still sick after four days, I woke up with a 103.7 temperature and new symptoms that alarmed me. I lay curled up in a fetal position, a pained expression on my face. I knew this was going to be a miserable day.
But a thought from the book flickered briefly through my mind: Could I somehow manage to be happy today despite my dismal condition?
Immediately I felt my face soften, my body relax a little and a small sense of optimism emerge. Surprised, I decided this intention-to-be-happy business might be worth a try. My happiness makeover had begun.
Shortly, however, I was in a state of panic. I had made an emergency appointment at my health clinic, but how would I get there? No close friends or family were available on a workday to take me. Within minutes, I was nearly swamped by fearful thoughts of never getting help, of being alone and miserable for days, of running out of food and (gulp) dying. But my happiness intention resurfaced, and since those thoughts weren’t making me happy, I turned my attention to figuring out who could help me and quickly made a list of candidates. Before long, a kindly neighbor was escorting me to my appointment.
The next day I set my intention again, this time while lying on a bed in a hospital emergency room. I remembered an exercise in How We Choose to Be Happy that suggests making a list of your intentions or plans for the day and then tagging onto each one, “and I intend to feel happy doing it.” I decided that this would be a good day to give that approach a robust workout.
Accountability
Being accountable, according to Foster and Hicks, is a matter of taking responsibility for our lives. Happy people refuse to act like victims and don’t waste energy blaming.
“To happy people, blame serves no purpose,” say Foster and Hicks. “It doesn’t ever get us what we truly desire.” And being a victim puts us on the defensive, raising our stress level.
“Happy people gravitate toward openness rather than defensiveness,” they concluded from their interviews. People who intend to be happy look for ways they can improve the situation. They don’t wait for others to make them happy.
Foster points out that some people relish the power they wield by being a victim, exerting tremendous control as people rally around them. The workplace gripers and the sideline whiners about politics are classic examples. So are romantic or business partners who routinely assign fault to the other person.
However, Foster and Hicks don’t suggest being a doormat. Rather, our responsibility is to determine what will lead to our greatest happiness, especially in the long run, and go after it.
I had long ago climbed out of victimhood thanks to years of therapy and self-help measures. But illness tends to prompt its revival. Luckily, my happiness makeover kicked in, even in my hospital room, and prompted me to take charge of my stay there. I decided I would make sure I asked for what I wanted. At one point, when I was feeling better, I set aside my “Minnesota nice” inclination to not bother people and requested a notepad from the nurse. I took the Happy book out of my purse and began making the list suggested in the chapter on Identification.
Identification
As suggested, I rapidly jotted down what would make me happy. More than 50 items appeared quickly, ranging from biking trips to finding a romantic partner, from intimate conversations with friends to teaching a favorite class.
Identifying what makes you happy is important, say Foster and Hicks. You should take into account the full range of your desires –material, intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual. This exercise offers a great avenue for self-discovery. Your priorities become clearer. You may find that, in the long run, the job promotion or fortune or adventure you’ve been pursuing so hard doesn’t match with your deepest longings.
Foster and Hicks suggest that you pay attention to which items are your genuine desires and which represent what others say you should want. Happiness is a matter of personal preference, Foster and Hicks point out. If you know what you really want, there’s a better chance you’ll devote yourself to getting it.
Centrality
The most important thing is to keep the most important thing the most important thing. — Anonymous
Foster and Hicks recommend making your dream list the driving force in your life –that is, centralizing it. Become devoted to doing what makes you happy. That doesn’t mean bulldozing over others to get what you want. “It’s about following your heart,” they say.
I followed the book’s suggestion and checked off those items on my dream list that I now have, or do, regularly. To my surprise, only a few remained unchecked. I was a lot happier than I had realized!
This was a major moment of awakening for me, right there as I lay in my hospital bed, linked to oxygen and a heart monitor. I honestly didn’t know my life was as good as it was! I realized I tend to complain way too much about petty things (leaving me feeling unhappy), but that in reality I have most of the things I value: good health most of the time (and by then I had learned that my illness, because it was caught early, could be cured), good friends, work I enjoy and many other things that make my life pleasant. All I need to do is centralize those things I cherish and get busy appreciating and expanding them. I want to let go, at least temporarily, of items on my list that I don’t yet have, can’t take action on or acknowledge as unlikely to happen.
Maybe it was the oxygen, but I decided right then and there that if I was as happy as all that, I might as well enjoy it! I began calling my friends and sharing the good news. They were baffled and amused to find me spouting about how happy I was from a hospital bed, but before long I had lots of people visiting and offering to help. People like to be around happy people!
Of course, life doesn’t always give us what we want. But centralizing gives us a personalized map to our own happiness and reminds us which way to steer our day – to – day decisions.
Recasting
What if life seems determined to puncture your tires? Everything from minor disappointments in our careers or relationships to catastrophic setbacks in fortune and health can leave us feeling flattened. However, extremely happy people react to painful circumstances by what Foster and Hicks refer to as “recasting.” They look for the lessons and the meaning in each challenging situation.
But first, the authors say, “happy people dive into negative feelings head on and experience them deeply.” They have “a rich emotional palate,” according to Foster, “and once they have felt these feelings deeply, they begin to look for meaning in those feelings. They ask: How will I, and how can I, change as the result of this experience? How will it affect my relationships? What kind of spiritual value does this trauma have for me?” At the same time, he says, they maintain an intention to return to happiness as quickly as possible.
During my illness, I was quite distressed not only by my physical condition, but also by my sense of aloneness in the world and by the loss of time to meet a looming work deadline.
With recasting in mind, I quickly shifted from a state of distress into remembering my intentions– in the latter case, to write a self-help book for caregivers, and “to feel happy about doing it.” Surrounded by caregivers, both professionals and loved ones, I realized I had been given the perfect opportunity to study them in action. Before long, with my hospital-provided notepad, I was scratching out content for the book, and enjoying it.
Another intention prior to my illness was to spend more time with good friends. With recasting, I became aware that I was doing just that during my hospital stay, and having some much-desired, warm-hearted conversations –all the result of my illness (and perhaps of my new, improved mood).
Options
Many of us feel trapped by jobs, lifestyle, lack of money, age, lack of training and so on. Most of these limitations are in our heads. If we had to change, we would find a way. But we don’t have to wait for a push to see more options, say Foster and Hicks. Happy people make it a habit.
In the hospital, I felt constrained and restless, especially as my health improved. I couldn’t do my usual exercise routines, so I started considering options. One afternoon, I began singing quietly to myself (fortunately, I had no roommate at that point), which prompted me to want to dance. Why not, I thought. I got out of bed, closed the door, and moved to my own beat as much as my oxygen tubes would allow. I actually enjoyed the thought that I might be breaking the hospital rules. And if I got caught, so what? I was happy.
Later, while recovering from my illness, I asked Foster for advice about options for a problem I experience in my day-to-day life: frequent reluctance to make phone calls or go into meetings to market my services or ideas. I fear making a fool of myself, and I fear rejection.
Foster told me what he has learned to do, based on his interviews with happy people. His response turned out to be an applied tour through the Wheel of Happiness and made me realize that all nine choices on the Wheel expand my options.
“When I’m walking into a challenging situation,” says Foster, “I literally check my intention: Okay, Rick, how do you intend to present yourself? How do you intend to react, knowing you might be rebuffed? My intention is to do the best I can, because that will satisfy me.”
Next, he checks his accountability. “I’m primarily accountable to myself in this type of situation. I ask, what is the best thing I can do for myself? Well, I can go easy on myself. I’m also accountable for communicating as well as I can with the people in the room.
“Then I make sure I do it. That’s centrality.”
If the meeting goes poorly, Foster says he moves immediately to recasting, trying to learn from the situation. “I ask myself, how do I feel walking out of that meeting? Dejected, sad, incompetent? Then I go to meaning: What does it mean about my life? It means I could improve how I prepare myself or I could have dressed differently or this was the wrong group for my idea.” From there he considers options, looks for what he could appreciate about the situation, and continues on around the Wheel.
The next meeting I went to, I anticipated displeasure at being with some people who often ignore me. I followed Foster’s lead, decided to enjoy the other people at the meeting, and came away much happier than I would have otherwise.
Appreciation
Appreciation is more than saying polite thanks. According to Foster and Hicks, “It’s the way we open our emotional floodgates and let our happiness flow into the world.” Even the darkest experiences in life include something worth appreciating. When I was sick, I was very appreciative of everyone from friends who came by to the hospital food service staff –and told them so. Even the illness itself gave me some gifts. For one thing, it increased my compassion for people who suffer.
In their book, Foster and Hicks suggest setting a timer for five minutes and making a list of everything you appreciate. I’ve started using this exercise whenever a bad mood makes an appearance. I feel better when I count my blessings. Foster and Hicks say that “lack of appreciation is one of the major reasons people choose to leave their jobs.” Expressing appreciation for the little things, such as a person’s creativity on a project or prompt response to a request, can be transformative in environments where criticism or even lack of attention is the norm. The giver and receiver both feel better.
Giving
Happy people are givers, but not because it is expected nor because they expect something in return. They give at what Foster and Hicks call the highest level of giving: “so that others can live better, more independently and more effectively.”
Giving does not focus on obligation or guilt or sacrifice, they emphasize. It’s an expression of an inner fullness of spirit, a desire to share and contribute. They say that “giving in its purest form — as when a father shares something of himself with his son — is powerful in its directness and authenticity, and it has the potential of changing the entire course of a lifetime.”
Oddly enough, giving has been a sticky issue for me. I often hold back. But I wanted to get the full benefits of my happiness makeover, so I gently prodded myself to look for opportunities to give. Being ill, I didn’t think I had much to offer. But allowing others to give to me and genuinely expressing appreciation seemed to be a gift to them. And I noticed my bright spirit was contagious. Maybe this giving thing isn’t so hard after all, I thought.
But what about deliberately making an effort to give?
Early in my illness, I was invited to a healing service at a church. Still feverish and fatigued, I watched as a team of healers laid hands on others, then decided to step forward myself. After a kind person prayed for me, I returned to my seat, feeling loved and peaceful though still sick. The gentle leader of the service then invited audience members to come forward and take a turn offering unconditional love to others desiring healing. As usual, I hesitated at the idea of giving, this time using the excuse that I was ill. But my intention for happiness prompted me to step up and make the effort to offer my love. A sense of energy and aliveness surged through me that I hadn’t felt in days. In the giving, I was receiving, and I went home with a happier heart.
Truthfulness
Most of us would probably say we’re honest people who don’t normally lie or cheat. But the truthfulness Foster and Hicks talk about is internal authenticity. It’s knowing our own truth –what we as individuals feel, think, observe and want — and then conveying that to others.
Think about it: How often do you disregard your own preferences for fear of what others might think? How often do you cover up for a mistake or exaggerate to win approval? How much do you trust, or even understand, your own instincts?
Happy people make a contract with themselves to always be authentic, say Foster and Hicks. They strive to understand and express their own “truths” in every situation.
After my illness began to ease up, I went to see my chiropractor, who is also a masterful acupuncturist and qi gong healer. He asked why I hadn’t come sooner, noting that his treatments might have minimized my need for medication. My inclination (Minnesota nice again) was to make up some excuse about being too ill to travel the long distance to his office. But my truth was that I had felt disconnected from him for some time because of certain things he had done, and not done, in providing my care in recent years. I couldn’t pretend this time, so I told him the real reason. We ended up having a long, cordial but frank talk. I learned a lot and he thanked me for telling him the truth. Now, I feel very comfortable going to see him again.
Did I get a happiness makeover? Definitely. But I’m also realistic enough to know that the benefits will fade if I don’t maintain my intention daily and attend to the other choices on the Wheel of Happiness. And while not everyone may have the commitment to pursue a full-blown makeover as I did, Foster points out that even making one or two changes in the Wheel choices can lead to a happier life. However, if you pursue them all diligently, you may end up becoming one of those extremely happy people that others seem to envy.
Pat Samples is a freelance speaker and writer on the subject of aging, health and personal development. She is the author of five books, including Daily Comforts for Caregivers and the recently published Self-Care for Caregivers.
From the November-December, 2000, issue of Today’s Health & Wellness magazine.
